Loved.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a close friend share a core lie he believes about himself to be true. It came out of nowhere, without any pretense, as much of our conversations do. Naturally, this caught me off guard and took me by surprise- what the heck is a core lie, and how did we get on the subject?


As he described to me what he thought, the idea of a core lie began to make sense. Essentially, it's a falsity about ourselves that is central to who we are; from it our actions can be traced back to this disruptive thought. At the time, I didn't put forth much effort into figuring out what my core lie was - I was honestly too concerned with what I'm supposed to be doing post graduation with a degree I am no longer passionate in and no direction of what to do next.

And then it hit me. My core lie. The very thing that honestly has consumed way too much of my life. How could I have missed it?

I don't feel like enough. I don't feel like I'm worthy enough, valuable enough, good enough. I don't feel like I can be loved.

From there I could see the snowball affect that this lie has had on my life. For as long as I can remember, I've dealt with comparison. Toxic friends in middle school only stoked that flame, and before I knew it that comparison issue expanded and blew up. I can vividly remember being at lunch tables comparing the way my clothes fit when I sat, the way my hair hung around my face, and the way it seemed everyone around me so effortlessly could make conversation while I avoided any form of communication by looking down at my lunch tray. When girls in my grade were getting boyfriends as frequently as revolving doors and I was walking around the halls without a hand to hold, I started to wonder why nobody wanted to be with me. My lie fed my obsessive thoughts that I was too big, not funny enough, not pretty enough. I just wasn't good enough for anybody to want me. I was twelve years old and feeling the sting my lie so vividly.

I couldn't tell you when I started to think this lie. There's no singular event that I can think back to and have an "aha" moment that pinpoints where this lie came to life inside my mind. I think that's the tricky thing about the enemy though- he sneaks up on you. He distracts you from the unchanging truth of God and feeds your insecurities until they become the object of focus in your life. I can't tell you how much time I have wasted nitpicking myself when I could have been spending time with my Father. I should have been running TO the truth, not away from it.

Today, as I realized the depth of this dishonesty, I felt the comfort of God as I walked the steps up to my apartment. Feelings of love and value wrapped me up and held me closer than my favorite sweater. I felt enough. Naming my lie was one thing- acknowledging it brought it into the light where it can't hide anymore- but now is the time to do something about it. My heart was nudged to look at what God says about me, what He says about my worth.

It wasn't a hard feat to discover the love and adoration God feels towards me. I mean, for crying out loud look in the first book within the Bible. God created man in His image...He made ME in His image, too. Before I was ever here on this Earth, God had already thought of me. He had already planned the precise number of hairs on my head and the color of my eyes. He knew the world needed one of me, but even more- just one of me. He has never created another Lauren Jurczyszyn. He only created me.

One look at the Gospels and my worth in God is already determined. God sent His perfect Son, who was so undeserving of mock and ridicule, to save the relationship I have with Him. He already knew I would sin. In fact, He knew I would sin a lot. But that didn't change the love He holds for me. He wants to know me- He thought I was worthy of being known by Him, and so He sent Jesus as sacrifice to mend the relationship between Himself and His people. If God didn't truly value me- why the heck would He do that?

I have to remind myself constantly of these truths, because the world we live in is broken and hurting. There is always going to be games the enemy tries to play with me, attempts he makes to get me to turn my back and look away from God- but these truths don't change. God's love for me is unwavering. He is relentless in His affection towards me. I can find a million reasons to believe that I am not good enough if I base my criteria for "good" on the ways of this world, but I can find TRUTH in what He says of me. In Him, I know that I am worthy enough. From His word I know that I am valuable. In His actions, I know that I am enough, even when I'm not always good. I am so loved by Him.

Bringing my core lie out of hiding this one time doesn't make it vanish forever- I have to constantly wash over it with light. It would be easy for me to say "okay this is my lie," and do nothing else, but life with Christ isn't as simple as that. It's choosing Him over and over every day, when things are hard and when you want to hide. I can make the choice to believe this lie because it's easy to shut myself off, or I can choose to live a full life in God's promises for me. Honestly with an invitation as sincere and vast of His, I don't see how I could choose any differently.

(Photo curtesy of Phil Carter Videography)