Progress.

It's been a while. I know.

Frankly, I've been holding out on this post for over a month now. I've tried to edit it and make it perfect, but it's still sloppy and likely riddled with typos and definitely all over the place- and I think that's okay. This is raw, but at least it's honest. So here goes nothing.

I've been distant. That I'm all too aware of. The last few months it's as though I was grappling to find my footing. Lately I've been feeling behind the curve. I'll be honest: I am not where I pictured myself being at the brink of 21. 

If you would've asked me where I pictured myself being at this point in my life back in the fall, It was much different. I would've said that I would be working at an internship full-time, getting engulfed in work, and making tons of money. It would've been something glamorous to put in my resume, something that shows I have work ethic and panache. Believe me- I tried really hard for this. I sent out resumes and went on interviews, only falling minutely short of it. It was equal parts embarrassment and frustration over not committing to my minor earlier to be at the experience level of my competition. In no way did I expect to find myself heading into the summer before my senior year, still serving ice cream, facing what had seemed like no internship opportunity at all. 

However, God works in miraculous and mysterious ways. Right before going on a trip with some friends, I was offered one last interview. I had my doubts about getting the gig, considering they only hire about 13% of applicants, and I was competing with other students from all ends of the country. After stumbling over my words and thoughts, my interview was wrapped up in seven short minutes and four questions latter. I was feeling extremely defeated and went back to packing for my trip. A few days later, though, I received an offer. 

The point of this all isn't to brag- it's about progress. Progress isn't linear, and no two paths are the same. I have spent the last six months running out of breath trying to keep pace with all of my peers. Putting in the work, balancing jobs and passions, and trying to forge a patch alongside others made me exhausted. Heck- it could've given me an asthma attack if I didn't slow down. I put so much energy and intense focus on my own plan, and that was the problem all along. My plans are nothing in comparison to what God is preparing for me.

It's really hard to be in the thick of your life, wondering if every decision you make is okay. God loves us and gives us choices, but in the end His will be done. The type A within me has a hard time grasping this, and instead over-calculates each step I take. I spend so much time in worry that I'm missing out on life. I can't tell you the last time my soul got some good quiet time, let alone the last time I've actually be able to pick up my Bible and just read. This self-confession was a wakeup call for me. My story isn't going to be the same as my friend's, my peer's, or my professor's. My story is my own. My progress is my own. Most importantly this life is my own. I don't have to be constantly running to keep up with the pack. It doesn't matter how fast I sprint- my success is not a competition.

Sometimes, it's important to take a step back and tell yourself this. The first times I told myself this, it felt like I was just saying some flowery words in a weak attempt at a pep-talk, but it really feels like the truth. My journey is uniquely my own, and I'm going to take it one Chaco-clad footstep at a time. I don't have to run and compete with everyone else. I don't have to feel bad about where I'm at in life. I'm hustling and I'm making things work, and one day the 9-5 life may be mine. But for now, there's no need to rush. For now, I need to slow down and appreciate what I've done, what I'm doing, and look forward to the future without trying to compare my path so much to everyone else's. It'll happen in time. As my best friend Han says to me often "we are too young to settle." This is a time to live.